I'm in hell and it sucks
by Guardian.Ghost
Summary: Cameron Darkening is in hell, with her hell mate John Kramer, me" "JOHN! Get away from that!" "Make me!" "Don't tempt me tumor brain" "This is rated for Language" "pah language"
1. Chapter 1

Author Notes and Disclaimers  
I do not own Hellraiser and it's characters; that is the work of Clive Barker and his very lovely creative genuis.  
I do not own Saw and it's characters; that is work that two guys who's names escape me, and the director vision for Saw 2 and 3 Darren Lee Bousman

I DO HOWEVER OWN FROM MY OWN NOVEL(STILL IN PRODUCTION) DEVIL'S CLAWS(WORK IN PROGRESS TITLE) The characters Cameron Darkening, Erik Destler (no not the Phantom of the Opera, how ever the name was an idea from the movie(with Robert Englund), Dagus, Pyra, and Reaper(no relation to anything other then being the evil that is Erik) If ANY OF YOU USE MY ERIK DESTLER I WILL BE ON YOUR SOUL FASTER THEN YOU BLINK.

That aside I bring you a comedic parody of three works, it's really got no story line to it and it's just for fun and humor. Please read and review even if you hate it cause I'm curious as to what I can do with this little bit of ghoulish fun.

Ghost  
PS.... it's supposed to be a audio diary of sorts.... don't expect alot of character movement other then what you see.. think of it as listening to a tape recording.

_"Ok so there are some things to know about life, as well as death, and the whole 'Heaven' and 'Hell' thing._

_One: Hell is real  
Two: Never ever let someone who 'Teaches Lessons' to other's join you for lunch, or go to lunch with them_

_Why? Because said idiot played with a box that opened a path to Hell and the __**'Prince'**__ of hell...._

_OW! OKAY, Sheesh... The __**'**__**Black Pope'**__ There you happy? ...... Yeah well screw you too! Wait I didn't mean that! OW!!!! You Son-of-a-bitch! Okay you self absorbed shit! HA!!! How do you like that now Pinhead? Might as well call you 'Black Pin-Burger! How about you go and sulk somewhere else."_ The voice crackled and broke up and even faded out due to the off speaker argument between two people, as well as the crackling of flames and some off inhuman sounds.

_"Ok, so back so some sort of normalcy. My name is Cameron Darkening, and as you can tell... this is a recounting and journal of sorts as I continue to try and find a way out of Hell and back to the mortal realm where the love of my life Erik Destler (A ghost, yes I know... don't start) is trying to bring me back home._

_Anyways where was I... oh yes... I didn't always live in hell for the past.... oh.... FIVE YEARS!!!_

_...._

_..._

_...._

_OH CAN IT!!!_

_Sorry, that would be the flame grilled black spike head that I roasted just a few minutes ago. Back to my story, I lived a normal life or as close to it as possible. I'm a very... unique person. If you can't tell by the way I roasted the black beany head, I'm a Pyro-kinetic or someone that can generate fire just by thinking or concentrating on summoning flames. I have other abilities, but I'll get into those later. Now I lived on the east coast of the United States even though I'm Canadian, and twisted one with a weird sense of humour._

_And personally, I would rather be at home then stuck with a man that is a human pin-cushion and a man that has tumours eating his brains... I'm surprised that he's still walking around..... oh nothing John.... what?.. no.. it's in the fridge... what do you mean it's not in the fridge? I put it in there two nights ago... well don't look at me, I only take a little bit of the Jam for toast in the mornings... as I said don't look at me.. maybe you should look at the spike ball. Oh come on, he eats like a normal person too... uhh nooooo he doesn't have just human flesh and blood... oh for fuck sakes he's not a vampire or zombie."_ Sounds of movement and someone getting yelled at. Off distance.

_"YOU SNEAKING LITTLE PRICK! THAT FOOD WAS FOR EVERYONE NOT JUST YOURSELF AND YOUR STUPID LITTLE HIGH NOON TEA AND SHIT. DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT! YOUR GOING TO YOUR BOSS AND YOUR TELLING HIM THAT YOU OWE TWO PEOPLE A BRAND NEW JAR OF JAM, NO YOUR GOING NOW BEFORE I PICK YOU UP MYSELF AND DUMPING YOU IN HIS LITTLE MAZE"_ Footsteps come back and settle in a chair of some sort.

_"Ok last time I deal with that prick.... OW!!!!!!!! THAT'S IT!"_ Sudden movement, a few cracks, a fist meeting flesh and something breaking a low moan then nothing but a door opening then shutting, 5 minutes later the door opens again and closes.

_"I'm going to knock his teeth out next time... anyways... aww damn it's late... ok I'll talk when I get up in the morning, I have a story to tell and I have to say it's not pretty..."_

"What and your saying that what we're in right now is?"

_"John..... shut up..."_


	2. Chapter 2

_Ok entry two, now you might want to know why I've been gone for so many days... it turns out that Pin-Burger wasn't all that thrilled with me... so he chained me up pulled me to pieces, as amusing as it was to see my intestines for the .... uh..... Twelfth time. Don't ask he blames me for everything because I know in 'Hell' here they can't really harm me and my mind is far to resilient then most of the poor souls that got caught for doing some very, very stupid shit._

Anyways as I was saying before I got or ended up rebuilding myself I was going to explain how I got here, so here is the story. See I had a normal day like any other; I was just getting ready for the day my ex-ghost boyfriend Erik was still sleeping. I on the other hand had school; anyways I did my morning classes and some work at the local live stage theatre when I got a message to meet someone at the coffee shop.

When I got the message from one of the actors I looked it over and thought maybe it was Erik and he was awake and wanted to have lunch. Packing my stuff up for the day I left the theatre and headed to the coffee shop, but when I got there first off I was lost…"

"Uhh no I was sitting right there"

_"I didn't know who I was meeting…"_

"I wrote who you were looking for…"

_"John.. you didn't trust me all it said was.. 'meet me at the coffee shop for a drink and something to eat'… does that sound like who I was supposed to meet?"_

"I…I… oh… screw off" Off speaker movements.

_"You first puzzle brain… anyways I go and finally have someone wave me down or over… you choose and when I got a look at the guy I had to do a double take because there was a guy that looked like he was dying, little did I know at the time. The second time I saw a box that was sitting right in front of him… I wasn't all that pleased with what I saw and I had unknown to myself rubbed the inside of my right wrist. There was an Orb which took you to different hell, that was one place you don't wanna be. But then looking at the cube could it be worse?_

Now that I look on it, I see the cube as a joke as well as this version of hell…. What? You think that you can do all that you want here?"

"You shall suffer like none before… you WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? UNHAND ME AT ONCE!"

_"Or what? You're going to pull me apart like you did last time? I'm not a freaking chew toy! Besides… let's see what kinda underpants you wear…_

"You wouldn't…"

_"Ohh what's this… Pinhead is blushing… I wander what he's hiding"_ An evil laugh is head as well as someone walking into the area, must be John as it's the only other person in the area.

"What are you doing to him?"

_"Oh nothing… just having a bit of fun and seeing what kinda undies this guy wears"_ A loud snicker is heard from John as he moves a few steps.

"Ok this I wanna see…" The sounds of Pinhead telling them to not turn him upside down, then loud laughter and someone bent over coughing their brains out but still laughing.

_"WOW… who knew the evilest creation of this Hell wore Hannah Montana undies… oh mannn… are you by chance… a girl? I mean Hell I wouldn't be caught dead in that"_

"Yeah well what do you wear then?" Pinhead is dropped to the ground as is evident by the sound of someone hitting the floor.

_"I happen to wear solid colors thank you, and here is the proof"_ John has finally stopped killing himself with laughter and coughs enough to give a nice comment, the sounds of a zipper being undone and done back up moments later.

_"see that's what I thought…. Don't come back here if you can't take your job seriously, ey you STILL OWE US A JAR OF JAM!..... Don't tell me to fuck off…_

Hey! That was your fault if you hadn't disemboweled me all that time you would have been able to go up to the world snag one from the store without getting caught. Well…. Go and do it and maybe I'll forget the whole undies part… maybe.." Off speaker snickers from John and Cameron as someone leaves the room, Pinhead from the sounds of it.

"Yay more jam, so… now that he's gone.. are you really going to forget what you saw?"

_"No are you kidding me… I wish I had a camera… heh heh…. Aww damn I left this thing on… wow.. you know this is better now that I have a voice thing of the event… BLACK MAIL!"_ The Thing is shut off as there is no more incoming sound.


	3. Chapter 3

_"several months have gone by and I still haven't been able to figure a way out of hell... no seriously... I haven't... Pin cushion isn't helping and you know what? Neither is John, seems that he has taken a turn for the worse... and the god here.. isn't too pleased that someone is dying in his turf and he can't really stop it, so he sent some creepy ass cenobites to help John out, oh look now... HOLY SH!T!..... what the hell did they do to you John?" ___

_"they cut my head open..." ___

_"No kidding!" ___

_"well... I can safely say that I don't have the tumor in my head anymore.." ___

_"yeah and your missing something... LIKE YOUR BRAIN!" ___

_"well... they said they would take it and do what they can with it... then give it back" ___

_"JOHN YOU HAVE NO BRAIN!"_ Off speaker sounds and someone crashing into something, while someone is running over to the fallen person helping them back up.

_"John... John!"_ The sounds of a door opening up and distant shouting, seconds later the sounds of feet and someone taking a sharp breath.

_"no, no way!"_ The sounds of chattering teeth, and a very soft but rough voice.

_"well, it's either that or we put him way, way under till we can put his brain back together. I Apologize for this problem..." ___

_"YOU APOLOGIZE!!?! YOU TOOK HIS BRAIN APART PIECE BY PIECE!" ___

_"Again... we apoligize..." ___

_"Oh my god... he's drooling... no don't touch that one it's going to make him..." ___

_"ON A STAR AND A BOAT WE CAN SING!!!" ___

_"Wow..." ___

_"..... I agree....." ___

_"ttt.t.t.t..t.....t" ___

_"Chatterer.... that's putting it mildly..." ___

_"What is the ruckus... I don't.... .... what in god's name are you three doing?"_ Pinhead's voice cuts in as there is no footsteps from him.

_"Hey I'm not part of this sick science experiment... your two drones are the ones doing this one..." ___

_"Not true" ___

_"Uh lady... have you looked in the mirror lately... your neck is peeled open and you have wires coming out of your head..." ___

_"I..." ___

_"John?"_ The sounds of people turning to the new voice.

_"You have got to be kidding me.... You let her into here? THAT WOMAN IS BLOODY PSYCHO!" ___

_"she is in hell..." ___

_"she's a drug addict!" ___

_"we house all kinds of people here Cameron, no need to get all upset" ___

_"Upset is putting it mildly when you can read people's minds, ELLIOT SPENSER" ___

_".t.t..ttttt.....t.t.t.t..t.t.t" ___

_"Chatterer is right... even he can tell the really twisted ones..."_ Background movements and the sound of electricity and some odd zapping.

_"John.. what are you people doing to my John..." ___

_"lady.... you need to get away from John before pin-brain dumps your ass into the beartrap again..." ___

_"Who the fuck are you?" ___

_"Uh... I'm this idiot's hell mate till I get to go home" ___

_"All of you get away from John.... NOW!"_ Sounds of gun being cocked.

_"See... what did I tell you?" ___

_"You know child that, that gun will not work here. It is useless to try, now enjoy your stay here in hell as we have..."_ There is a gun going off and someone gagging and falling on the floor. Pinhead it seems is shot as his voice isn't there and there are people moving around and talking out loud.

_"ELLIOT!" ___

_"Leader" ___

_"TTT!!!" ___

_"Jeez... oh god... where is the rest of his jaw?" ___

_"over here..."_ Sounds of something happening and chains rattling and someone screaming before being they are cut short and there is a ripping and tearing in the background.

_"Ok.. that was gross.... you happy now?" ___

_"yes... much... I can't believe she shot me... much less was able to take my jaw off like that..." ___

_"yes well... you are a talker..." ___

_"Cameron..." ___

_"Pin-head..." ___

_"Are you two done yet?"_ John's voice is heard again, as he walks up something is happening by the noise.

_"Holy crap your brain is back in order.... you going to stop putting people in traps?" ___

_"...... maybe..... I doubt it my creative mind needs to be let out..." ___

_"You are an unusual man John" ___

_"You are an unusual woman Cameron" ___

_"And we are totally all screwed up... moving on... where is our jam?"_ Background sounds of something breaking.

_"NOT AGAIN!!"_ The sound goes all fuzzy before it dies.


	4. Chapter 4

"_Well I can say that for certain that the electrical storms that the damnable highlanders have after a fight are what cause electrical short circuits here in hell. I mean damn, I've spend a better part of the 4-5 months trying to get this damn thing working. I didn't realize that when the fucking stupid swordsmen finally manage to hack off a head that their electrical surges kill and destroy everything._

_When I had opened the back of this thing and I tell you... I have never gagged so hard in my life. There was smoke and other shit coming out of this thing like you would not believe. I mean damn. _

_I had John tell me I could get cancer from breathing in what I did... I wasn't happy with him so I made him think he was a girl and he showed up in a dress and wig full of pig tails. Now that was something to laugh at... to the story at hand._

_I had to pull out all the wiring and everything inside. It wasn't pretty... I managed to fix this thing by ripping apart a few cenobites..."_

"_IT WAS YOU!"_ Stomping feet of what seem to be Pinhead entering the range of the highly sensitive microphone.

"_Oh shit... ahhHHH!!!!!!!"_ Sounds of screaming and pattering feet.

"_No, no don't! I didn't know you needed JD or Doc. I mean come on you used scraps to make them!"_

"_They were perfect!"_

"_Like hell they were Pinhead! I mean one was a cameraman that didn't deserve what you did to him and look what you used! His own fucking camera! Another was a fuckard sex addict, I mean you used pistons for god sakes... and that DJ... what the hell did he ever do to you huh? YOU USED HIS OWN SOUND EQUIPMENT AND CD'S!"_ Chains rattling and moving about.

"_..._

_..._

_IYEE!!!!!" _More screaming and something breaking, more footsteps enter the room.

"_Holy shit...Pinhead stop!"_

"_JOHN GET THIS GUY AWAY FROM ME!"_

"_When I get my hands on you Cameron..."_

_  
"CHATTERER! FEMALE! DREAMER! GET THIS PSYCHO AWAY FROM ME!"_ Cameron apparently running around with Pinhead in tow.

More and more feet enter the scene.

"_Leader... you must stop this"_

"_...t.t..ttttt..tttt...t.t.t."_

"_NO I WILL NOT ST...."_

Someone is tackled to the ground but the thumping and some odd cracking of head on tile makes the scene seem...

"_HOLY FUCK...."_

"_Uhh..."_

"_TTTT...."_

"_Oh my..."_

"_That's impressive...."_

The order of the voices follow as Cameron, Dreamer, Chatterer, Female and John.

"_Wow... his nails went all the way in... and he's drooling... "_

"_You know what we could do Cameron... we could pray he doesn't wake up and start hunting for you or the chatterer beast here. And we could also hope that the nails went in far enough that his personality has changed."_

Groaning and some inhalations of the group.

"_I say... I have such a headache. Could someone fetch me some opium?" _Pinhead talking in a proper British accent.

"_Oh.... my... god..."_

"_Alright this just got weird..."_

"_Understatement John... Understatement. At least he's not out to kill me..."_

"_That is true..."_

Thundercracks are heard as Cameron screams.

"_NOT AGAIN!!!"_ Static then nothing.

A/N: Yes there is a Highlander reference XD sad but I wanted to use that as an excuse to cover my writers block that I have now over come ^^ Enjoy my ghouls.


	5. Chapter 5

"Wow…. After that last set of electrical surges went through Hell here… my recording device blew up in my face as well as the others. Then it came back as some sort of very, very fucked up monster and started hunting us. How? I will never know… as it stands somehow a Cenobite by the name of Yin/Yang Twins had a portable recording device. They gave it to me as a gift after I helped them out with one of their projects to make Hell just a tad bit more uhhh normal for them.

But I'm getting side tracked here… I shit you not I'm stuck in a small room with John, Pinhead now Spenser, Chatterer, Female and some guy by the name of Frank…. Who's looking at me creepily"

"Come to Daddy…."

"Buddy get the fuck away from me"

"Come to…" Some strangling sounds and someone's head being hit against the stone ground.

"Dear girl, was that even necessary?" Came the English drawl of Pinhead/Spenser from some side.

"Oh if it shuts him up yes it was necessary" John's voice spoke up quietly.

"So long as we are quiet we don't have to worry that monster coming after us…"

"But Cameron we can't stay here" Female whispered roughly.

"TTTT..…...TTTT"

"Chatterer does have a point, we don't have the room in here nor the food to sustain ourselves. But at the same time if we leave this room we would be over taken by that thing… what we need is a …." All sounds are quiet as a groan is heard.

"We use him… we leave him for the thing while we run" Cameron lowers her voice as the background sounds are of some high-pitched squealing and metal scratching on stone.

"Damn... how the hell are we going to get him out?"

"John you forget I'm a telekinetic... I can move things with my mind you know"

"That's right... ok but where are we going to go to?

"...TTTT"

"We could go there, but for all we know is that your boss and god have been taken over by that creature..."

"That is true..." Female agreed with John

"What about Pinhead's room? That place I heard is a fortress" John.

"TtttTTT...TTT...tt..TtT..TTT...TTTTT!"

"Really? Well then we can live there seeing as I know Pinhead keeps a massive fridge in his room"

"We need to make this guy more..."

"Dear girl, but will your plan really succeed, I have known no one to be able to 'tele-whatist called' anyone. That power does not exist"

"Spenser shut up" Cameron's voice hissed as more metal screeching is caught on speaker getting louder then fainter as it moved on away from the mic.

"Ok we need something to tie this guy up with..." Some odd movement and a squeal from Spenser/Pinhead.

"What are you doing, get your hands off me now..."

"Would you just shut up, I really don't want that thing to..." The sounds of the screeching had gotten close and there was a new sound: skittering of claws.

"Forget tying the bastard up, just knock him out and I'll carry him. I beat cancer but I sure as hell won't be beaten by your old recording box Cameron" Sounds of someone knocking something really hard into the ground before a rustle of clothing and a low grunt.

"You sure you want to carry him?"

"Cameron just get us out of here"

"Fine" Grunting and movement sounds from someone picking someone up in leather.

"Ok be ready to run"

"We all ready here?" There are agreements voiced by everyone in the room minus 2 voices. With some rustling about and the recording device being picked up and put somewhere, a massive metal screech is heard.

"On three. One... two... three... RUN!" A door is slammed open and a grunt are heard following the sounds of a body being thrown down a hall with a sickening and fading thump, and patters of feet and shoes as well as heavy breathing.

"!"

"Oh shit!"

"Holy hell, what the hell is that?"

"I don't know and I don't want to find out John" There is a yell from Cameron and John as the feet pounding stone continues and there is a squeal of a metal door.

"Get that door open"

"I'm trying" Female finally speaks up in the range of the mic, varies groans and a shuffle of feet, then a door slamming shut is followed by heavy breaths and the audio recorder being put down and a heavy leather thud not far off.

Laughter is heard.

"I was... expecting rattling... chains, and body... parts... " each of the pauses between words is uncontrollable laughter from Cameron, a wheezy laugh from John is followed by a more raspy laughter from Female while Chatterer is strangely quiet.

"Wow... no wonder this play is like Fort Knox, it's full of girly shit... wait is that a life size Barbie doll?" John's voice.

"Oh god look at Chatterer, he's dying of laughter... he's even crying!" More laughter.

Foot falls fading, and a voice someone faint but still loud enough.

"Cameron... this guy has pictures of you all of a wall here... with... what the hell? Are those panties?" many foot falls leading away from the mic.

"What the fuck? I've been looking for those!" A very faint growl. "Ewww this has snot all over them, oh gross he's been sniffing them!" There is audible 'ewwwwws' from everyone as someone groans close to the mic.

"My head, what did you do to me... and who's room is this?"

There is snickers from everyone minus Elliot/Pinhead before the recording device beeps off, but not before catching a couple words.

"I need new batt..."


	6. Authors note Oct 30th 2012

Mass Author's Note Blast:

So my fellow readers/adders/subscribers etc, etc. I have finally found myself a Beta, and as such I have ALL of my stories under a Beta tag for the most part. There are going to be a few select stories that will be posted RAW for your enjoyment and when they beta'ed you will be the first to know. In the future for most part PLEASE subscribe to my pen name as anything new I post will have an UPDATED author's not with not just that story but what is going on with the stories in general in terms of beta work.

Thanks for sticking by me including my awesome Harry Potter fans that have waited for a new chapter, they are coming, believe me they are coming. In the mean time please read anything new that I put out that might catch your fancy or something new for that matter.

Thanks for the love, and your support,

(H)


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